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So this weekend was a bit weird for me, I was confronted with a reality that no one wants to ever deal with, a death. I over heard my mom talking to my neighbor about the possibility of my uncle having prostate cancer. I found this out when I got home from visiting him and my aunt...he looked fine, but cancer hides itself. So while my uncle may not have cancer, his death is inevitable and I'm having a hard time convincing myself of this. It's the last thing I want to happen. After 2 deaths last year of very close family members, I'm realizing mortality and the false hope it provides. I've been listening to the MTV unplugged Alice in Chains sessions quite a bit, and I feel like somethings is being put in my head by them and I have no idea what it is, but I gladly accept it. I've been listening to Would? on a loop for a bit now, and I'm becoming more and more attached with the chorus, "Into the flood again/Same old trip it was back then/So I made a big mistake/Try to see it once my way". It doesn't seem to effect me when it's written out as much as it does coming from Layne's voice. But this relates to what is going on in my head right now quite a bit, but lyrics have a way of applying to whatever the listener wants it to. I'm plundering into the same thing as last year, it feels about the same because I know what to expect (which makes it hurt that much more) and my mistake is I don't want to deal with this, it's selfish, but I just wish my family understood. It's too painful. I'm not ready. I'm hurting.
Last night I had a bit of a weird dream. I had a dream I was playing a show with a band. We were playing a song that I'm quite familiar with and had no problem doing so, in fact, I love playing this song. Less than half way into the song, I started hysterical crying while playing. It was weird. I played the song, jumped around, and screamed along, all while crying. I didn't mind it too much, I played with more feeling than I ever had. After the song finished, I was still crying uncontrollably. I walked down from the stage, and hugged my brother. I soon woke up teary eyed. I have no idea what this dream meant to be honest, but I wish I did. It's something I can't forget.
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Hmm... well, first of all, prostate cancer is very treatable. And in fact, it moves so slowly that in older men they're starting to do nothing, figuring the guy will die of something else other than the cancer, so why bother with surgery, etc.
ReplyDeleteAlice in Chains... great stuff. The whole Dirt album is amazing. And certainly certain music speaks to us depending on our state of mind. Alice in Chains is all about death and loss in an unspoken way, but that is what is there in that music. And it is art in that it works best as a whole. Lyrics by themselves don't make much of an impact, but in the mix with the music, it is wonderful stuff.
It isn't selfish to not want to deal with death and loss - who in their right mind wants to deal with that stuff??? I suppose the guys in Alice in Chains. But the fact you are writing this post and listening to Alice in Chains means that you are dealing with it, right? You are dealing with it in the way you are dealing with it. And if the situation gets worse or better, then there will be a different dealing with it. At 17 one can only expect so much from one's self. As Bela told Szofi in Kontroll: Take your time.
The dream... I am not sure what it means, but it feels like this to me: I went through an awful break up when I was 22, lost the love of my life. And oh lord did it hurt - it hurt for years. And I would cry at the sight of a redhead, or a couple kissing - I'm 25 and crying at the drop of a hat practically. And came to marvel at the power of my own emotions, my own flow of emotions, that I could actually feel so much, that I could feel so terrible and not be broken by it. And somewhere in there I discovered that there is a joy in the pain we feel sometimes, a joy hidden within the loss. Not a joy that something is gone, but a joy that something once was. I used think that if I thought about my dad, who is dead, that it would hurt, so I didn't think about him. But love is love, and good memories exactly that, good, and these things didn't change just because he was no longer there. Love doesn't require two people feeling it at the same moment in space time. So now I think of him whenever I wish, and sometimes I cry, and those are good tears to have.
Your dream feels like that celebration of emotions, good and bad, happy and sad, in which we should all more often partake. It is our birthright as human beings to feel things, and our challenge and glory as artists to feel these things deeply and transmute them into something wonderful.
L
I don't know if this helps, but whenever I look up my really weird dreams on a dream dictionary, they always tie into my life so try it outt, it couldn't hurt. :]
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