Promises I made...

So what have I done since the do over? It came to me yesterday, in a question. I was asked a really cliche question, "what is your biggest regret in life?" I never really thought about it. I was going to try and think of something funny to say, but then I really had to think about it. What do I regret? I'm sure there's quite a lot, but at the same time, I'm a STRONG believer in that "whole everything happens for a reason", thus, I can't be holding regrets if they were meant to be. But what about the stuff that isn't happening? It hit me. I realized that my biggest regret is my insecurities. Am I doing what I really want to? I'm satisfying my id? I feel selfish asking that, but am I? Being 17 should be enough, right? I mean I fit the average 17 year old standards, I have a bunch of guitars, I hang out with my friends, I have a girlfriend, I have "my own" style, etc. But I guess that's not what I want out of my life. I don't know what it is that will end this feeling I have, but I hope it comes along eventually in my life. I want to start filming things more. I think I want to film me and my friends. I thought of it yesterday. We wind up in these weird places and we have these rituals that need to be documented. Not because I don't want to forget my friends, but because where ever we wind up, it makes me think how good it'd be to get these places on film.

I want to find what makes me satisfied. Although, that's impossible, if I was satisfied, I wouldn't have to create anymore, and not being creative is out of the question. I want to find comfort in what I do again. I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing, and not what someone else is doing.

Empty Stomach...

I just did my ennegram test now in the STAC room on the worst empty stomach that I've ever had and what my results were not a 7. I was told "your are most likely a type 2. Taking wings into account, you seem to be a 2w1." When I clicked the type 2 link, I was ashamed of what the title said. Helpers who need to be needed." I'm not arguing at all that it's incorrect, because it's too correct, but I just never wanted to face the fact that I give more than I get. It's something I've been dealing with for quite a while now, and I wish no one knew about it. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like I need attention and pity, which is actually the last thing I want/need. In the very least bit, I'd like the people I give my time to, in any form, to recognize it. They don't have to appreciate it or hate it, just now that I did that for them. I feel I do put too much into relationships with others, but I don't mind it at all. I love helping people. I love making people feel good about themselves. I figure life is about problems and defeating them, and I like helping people defeat things. It's not easy doing some things alone, and I know I hate doing certain things alone, but somethings need to be handled strictly by myself. I'm a helper. I'd like my due recognition just like everyone else. I want others to know I've helped, and I can help again.

http://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/type2.php

"I will be alright..
I will be, just fine."
Song: Duermete
Artist: As Tall As Lions

Pardon?

Here's another song I found today that I've been quite in love with. It's disgustingly astounding.

This is the story of our first teacher
Shetland made her jumpers
And the devil made her features
Threw up her hands when my mum said our names
Embroidered all her stories with slanderous claims
It's over and done with...

This is the story of losing my virginity
I held my breath and the bed held a trinity
People I'm making no claims to no mystery
But sometimes it feel like
My sex life's all history
It's over and done with...

I'm not saying these events didn't
Touch our lives in any way
But, ah, they didn't make the impression
That some people say

This is the story of watching a man dying
The subject's unpopular
But I don't feel like lying
When I think of it now I acted like a sinner
I just washed my hands
Then I went for my dinner

Yeah
It's over and done with...

Song: It's Over and Done With
Artist: The Proclaimers

Here's a link to the song. If you see my with ipod tomorrow on the way to the city at any point, trust that I'll have this song playing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NBegquhJRM

Can you?

I figured everyone can take something away with these lyrics after the whole values, issues, and koan we did in class. This will probably relate to anything you wrote or feel...

I've been out walking
I don't do too much talking these days
These days
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do

And all the times I had
The chance to

I stopped my rambling
I don't do too much gambling these days
These days
These days I seem to think about
How all the changes came about my way

And i wonder if I'd see another
Highway

I had a lover
I don't think I'll risk another these days
These days
And if I seem to be afraid
To live the life that I have made in song
It's just that I've been losing
So long

La la la la la
La la

I'd stop my dreaming
I won't do to much scheming these days
These days
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter turns to ten

Please don't confront me with my failures
I had not forgotten them

Song: These Days
Artist: Nico

Core Values, Koan, Issues and, Nick...

Everyone knows what we did today, so I won't repeat anything. But after going to my final group to talk about some of my problems and things I hold dear to my heart, I found that despite the fact I almost never talk to Kalli simply because of work and sitting at different ends of the room, I found her issues quite relateable. I can say that whole "been there, done that" regarding how she views life, but why do that? I'd rather tell her that if her problems dealt with on her terms, she'll probably carry those problems through her life and try and adapt her life to other's. But it's nothing that she can't fix. There's nothing we can't fix. Kalli, you've got a good head on your shoulders there, kid.

So now, here's what I wrote down today.

Issues:

1) Fathers/Father Figures:

My dad and I never got along (refer to dream blog) and I don't feel like discussing more than that.

2) Responsibilities:

Upon the absence of my father, and two older brothers, I felt responsible for my mom and her well-being. For lack of a better term, I was the man of the house and that forced me to grow up quicker than I should have. I feel responsible for almost any sort of relationship in my life. whether it be my best friend, mom, girlfriend, family, or just people that I know that need any sort of help, but for some reason, I never seem to take responsibilities for myself. Odd, I know.

3) Voice

This one needs some explaining, which I'm more than happy to do. Growing up, I had a really bad speech impedement. I had a bad, bad lisp. I was mocked by my brothers and I became my mom's "cutest" kid. She would ask me to say certain things to hear my lisp because moms will be moms. I had to go to a speech school as a kid because of my severe impedement. My teacher's name was Miss Stacy. Try saying that with a lisp. Terrible. I figured since I was going to school to get rid of my lisp that it was something that is bad. I would get frustrated when I was reminded of my old problem and yell at others who had and problems pronouncing words. Thats the jist of my issue with voice, and I don't want to talk more about it.

Values:

1) Nature: I need Fall and Summer to do anything creative. My work thrives around nature and the moon's cyclical change.

2) Ability: The ability to walk away, if I have to, from my work and let it stay the same as I change so when I return to it, it has some different inflections to me than it once did.

3) Wes Anderson: Look this guy up. I associate myself with almost all of his characters.

Koan:

Why can't I stand up for myself? Have I changed or have I lost a spine?

People in moderate places...

Recently I came across something on youtube. A girl who tought voice and guitar at a camp I used to go to is now making quite a name for herself. She's known as Jenny Owen Youngs. She's very talented, funny, clever, blonde, and badass. I've had the opportunity to hang out with her many times before she became known and is really an all around great person. This really just goes to show, you never know who is gonna be a somebody some day. So big ups to Jenny O and another mutual friend Bess Rogers for "making it"

Totally check them out sometime. Personal favorite Jenny O song, Fuck Was I. Pretty awesome stuff guys.

Everyone...

In spirit of my last post, I reconnected with another old friend today. We picked up right where we left off, dirty jokes and promises. Upon this rekindling, I realized nothings impossible, you just can't be afraid. You have to be ok with the possibilty of things not going your way and grow. As corny as it is, life doesn't stop for anything, and if it's gonna stop for you, make it worth everyone's while. Make it make people thankful. Everyone has a someone and a something. You find it, and make it work no matter what. We can always say we try, but unless you truly are trying, you won't get your moment.

All that being said, everyone has a someone. Everyone has someone that they depend on and someone that depends on them. It may not be the same person, but the flow is still there, and continuing. Here's a song I found today that completely explains what I'm talking about.

Song: Boats and Birds
Artist: Gregory and the Hawk

Phases: Music and a Friend

So every year, I go through phases of music where I only listen to one artist and then move on. Currently, I'm in my Blink-182/Reggie and the Full Effect phase. Both bands I listened to in 5th grade with a friend that I no longer friends with. I often miss that friend, we grew up together. I listen to the songs as a mourning in a sense of this person and even if the song is something as positive as "Aliens Exhist" by Blink, I still get upset. This friend will probably haunt me for the rest of my life because of how much of an impact he had on me. I started music because of him, and much like him, I don't take it too seriously, we both even went through times in our lives where we went on a break from music (at different times).

We eventually grew apart completely. He left our group of friends and became friends with cooler people, they aren't assholes, they're just cooler. He's with a whole new group while me and my friends talk about how everyone who was originally in our circle of friends seems to have gone away thus leaving only 5 people left out of 12 that still are as close as they were in 7th grade. I suppose their leaving seperated friends from people taking up space, but it still hurts.

It probably hurts more because I know that my old friend has moved on and doesn't seem to care about me anymore. I think that hurts that most. But I'll never stop hoping he doesn't turn back into his old-self and give me a call. There will always be hope. Without hope, I'd have moved on by now.

Ilana's Poem...

Ilana's poem inspired me to start writing again, especially since I've been feeling quite useless and less creative then ever. So I suppose she's restored my faith in looseleaf, and for that, I thank you over and over again. I also wrote this while listening to the playlist I made for the magazine after avoiding it since I submitted it. Ilana, this is for you, but it's not about you.

I can't tell anymore,
I'm certain that's selfish
but reassurance--

you've grown,
out of what I assumed were forests,
to an unforgiving city.

I've loved you.
Through labor
we age stereotypes.

But I can't do wrong by you,
every symphony knows that,
I can manage;
under and over
pulled tight,
kissed goodnight.
Wished on the moon for a visit,
wished on the grass for your sake.

hand in hand,
walking on planes and heads.

Screw eyes.
Damn ours.

Dearest muse,
you've done wrong
you've too comfortable,
you've been accounted for
in fields, towers, subways, and moss.

I'll always hope,
as you bow,
my mind is yours,
so we can laugh and sleep



"a pretty girl with broken wings is all that I desire"
Song: Sense, Sensibility Artist: Andrew Jackson Jihad
again.

This Break...

I haven't quite been myself this break. I've realized things that need to change in my life, and things that need to begin in my life. How these things will change and begin depend solely on myself and my willingness to change/help myself. I can't openly speak of my problems, which is a first, and it's not because I don't trust you guys, but this is something that needs to be figured out on my own. Forgive me if I seem a bit off, this may take some time.

I heard a song not too long into my epiphany that caused me to sit down and let out a bit of tears and relax. I get this whole visual when I hear this song, it's powerful to me. I imagine I'm in a car sitting behind the drivers seat going through the city, but it's empty. There isn't even a person behind the wheel. I'm moving at a normal speed looking out the window to an empty city with snow falling. The lights for stores aren't on. There's just a blanket of snow. No footprints or any imperfections in the snow that I can notice. It's peaceful.

I think I really want the city all to myself. I think I'm really selfish. I think I need more rest. I don't know what I need.

Lately I've been wandering around
Looking for my up and down
Oh, lately I've been all over town
What is lost and never found

I want to find tonight
I will be alright

Lately I've been wandering around
Looking for my up and down
I want to find tonight
I will be alright
I will be just fine

And I know that better days will come
And I know that better days will come
And I know that better days will come

Song: Duermete Artist: As Tall As Lions